Thank You for Being You

It is one of those moments that parents secretly fear: the day their first child leaves home. “The sensation of suddenly being superfluous, no longer needed, literally pulled the rug from under my feet”, remembers Ann L., a 65-year-old teacher. “Even though at that time I was successful professionally and had every reason to feel satisfied with my life.” Instead of sticking her head in the sand, however, Ann joined the visitation service of a children’s hospital. She read to young patients, and with her funny stories she made their often boring clinic days go by faster. The feeling of being needed and appreciated not only helped Ann weather the time when her children moved out of the home. “These visits with the sick children – their joy and gratitude, injected new meaning into my life”, she says.

Questions for oneself

The field of social psychology describes the term “mattering” as this very positive feeling of being an important part of society, of being seen and needed by others. How important am I to my fellow humans? How much attention are they paying to me? Does my opinion matter to them? Would they miss me if I were gone? How much do others rely on me? Those who want to get a feel for how much they mean to others may start by asking themselves these questions.

The development of this scale for “mattering” by social psychologists goes back to the 1980s. Employing a survey of more than 6,500 students in middle school and high school, they studied the influence of the feeling of being important to their parents on their self-esteem. The result: the subjective sensation of meaning a lot to one’s parents not only resulted in strong self-esteem; moreover, it endowed the young person with more stable mental health. In contrast, those who experienced little attention exhibited a lower level of well-being – with at times wide-ranging consequences. For example, boys who sensed little appreciation from their parents tended towards delinquent behavior – perhaps negative attention was better than none at all.

More mattering, less stress

In the meantime, numerous studies have corroborated the importance of being important to others. Gordon Flett at York University in Canada discovered that adolescents who feel appreciated are better protected from anxiety, depression and risky behavior, and they also perform better in school. The same was true for British students who were interviewed online by Donna Smith at the University of Cambridge: a higher degree of mattering correlated with fewer psychological problems such as depression, eating disorders, drug consumption, anxiety and other stressors. “Mattering is very powerful; research shows that it is associated with a whole host of positive outcomes for people in general, not just university students”, emphasizes Smith.

Mattering also plays a critical role when it comes to the development of resilience: those who are equipped with a solid foundation of mattering to others bounce back faster from stressful situations and life’s setbacks in general. Even physical health falls under the influence of this feeling. Psychologist John Taylor, together with his colleagues Michael McFarland and Dawn Carr at Florida State University interviewed more than 1,000 residents in the State of Tennessee, between the ages of 22 and 69, with respect to their physical health. They also analyzed blood pressure, cortisol level and the waist-hip ratio. The result was unequivocal: in a statistical comparison, the allostatic load, i.e., the natural wear and tear of the body throughout the aging process, was noticeably less pronounced in those who felt appreciated by others.

In contrast, the consequences of the sensation of not being important to anyone at all, are described in the “ Anti-Mattering Scale “. According to Flett, people who perceive little attention tend to develop a negative self-image, social anxieties, loneliness and insecure attachments. This group is also known to be at an increased risk of suicide. Serious offences, too, are more likely to be committed by those who are emotionally disadvantaged.

Giving and receiving positive regard

Even though the bases for the secure feeling of mattering are laid down in childhood, these feelings can still be strengthened later in life. One way is caring for our relationships: active contacts with family, friends and other people pay off, where quality is more meaningful than quantity. Those who recognize and appreciate others, and are genuinely interested in their viewpoints, will receive similar positive regard in return. Flett recommends giving others time – for example, through volunteering. It will protect us from loneliness as well as strengthen our psychological resilience. “Perhaps we should all consider how we can be better at making the people around us feel that they matter”, says Donna Smith – just like Ann, who, through her volunteer work at the clinic, not only helps the children but also takes care of herself at the same time.

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